Funnies/Jokes

[paco]

confucous say," woman who fly upside down..surley have crack up.

[SLAWESY]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[FAT-TOY]

  Confucius might have said.
              Woman who spring on innerspring this spring have offspring next spring.

[shorelinemc]

advice given to kate middleton -dont piss off the queen and always where a seat belt

[shorelinemc]

was feeling a bit depressed thinking about the economy,the state of the world.so i rang lifeline and was put thru to a pakistani call centre ,when i said i was feeling a bit suicidle they asked if i could drive a truck

[FAT-TOY]

Subject: Fwd: FW: Catholic heart attack

         A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The
paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in
the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was
seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several  forms,
and a pen.
         She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you
have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health
insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied,
"No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the
payments?" asked   the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster
sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied,
"Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[shorelinemc]

what do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? well hung

[shorelinemc]

some people are like slinkies,inoffensive,pretty well useless but still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stars

[Nathan S]

[VMX247]

Two women in heaven;;;;;;;;;;

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere, that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
shed.Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the sheets that cover the bikes. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.





SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive. 

[FAT-TOY]

                           Grammer:
  The difference between knowing your shit
             and knowing you're shit.

[Pommie Barstad]

And spelink? Bein able to rite 'Grammar'?

[EML]

Isn't it "Being able to write to Gram ma" ?

[SLAWESY]

A Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former, All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
 

[Simo63]

 CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST...

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful

Antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your

Eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my

Family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back

And forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,

Watch the watch..."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed

Back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs

Of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke;

It slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking

Into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre - and Claude

Was never invited back...